by

jj

The men I’ve sent to death weigh heavily on my mind; but this burden is but a fist of straw compared to the strain of the republic.

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73 Responses to “”

  1. whatthechrist Says:

    That’s not the right translation. Do you even speak Russian?

    The lolcat says:

    “Age changes the style of a man;
    Mewing is becoming harder by the year…
    Face is covered with wrinkles –
    The trail of smiles from days past.”

  2. tomvons Says:

    I assumed none of them were actually attempting to translate the text, but I could be wrong…

  3. Mr Scruff Says:

    It’s. A. Joke.

    How can you not see that?

  4. ReTweet.com Says:

    Awesome idea for a blog! I’ve tweeted it for you… hopefully will bring you more visitors 🙂

  5. Flashman Says:

    Using the wrong text is like putting Homer Simpson in purple pants – the joke is still funny, but in the back of your mind you realize something doesn’t look right.

  6. saladin Says:

    The joke IS that the text is wrong. That’s the funny thing. The original captions are universally rubbish beyond belief. Whoever creates these seems to pick the lamest, most mawkish example of “Eastern Bloc lolcats” and turns them into comedy gems.

  7. Dr. Francis Ache-Pohst Says:

    Excuse me, but I hold a doctorates in both Russianese and Russianese History from Harvard, and I have to disagree with these obviously uneducated simpletons saying the captions are incorrect. They are translated perfectly, and aare a perfect example of the dry, bleak humor that sustained Russian through the Revolutionary War, in which they won their independence from the Holy Romanov Empire.

  8. "Russianese" History? Nice... Says:

    The originals are WAY funnier than the english “translations”.

  9. Johnny Eck Says:

    Tremble in fear, Western propagandist and corrupter of the proletariat! The State does not sleep and soon your name will be permanently lost in the annals of the GULAG.

  10. Sessy Says:

    As years pass, a man’s style grows fickle,
    The purrs grow softer every day,
    The face is deepened by the wrinkles –
    Remains of smiles faded away

  11. YouPeopleScareMe Says:

    In the name of humour itself, please. No more literal translations of the Russian.

    Yes. We understand that the actual Russian printed on the original image is different to the caption that’s in English. That is because the Russian usually says something boring and lame.

    Whoever publishes this blog takes the image and writes a caption in English that most often has no relationship to the original Russian, but is funny because it pokes fun at the propaganda that apparently was disseminated in the former USSR.

    Therein lies the joke. It frightens me that people still don’t get it, even with all the other previous, funnier comments that explain what I’ve just explained.

    Now, I’ve sucked pretty much all the fun out of this, so just let it go, and roll with it. Or at least stop posting translations.

  12. monkey.dave Says:

    In Soviet Russia, LOLcat translates you!

  13. jurisnaturalist Says:

    From a guy who knows no better, please keep posting! I don’t care if the translations are original or not. All good lolcats invite alternate captaions anyway.
    For enlightenment alone, perhaps, might the literal translations be included – in the comments. Always post what seems best to you, and go with your first answer!

  14. Stakhanovite Worker Says:

    I kind of like jurisnaturalist’s idea – provide by default the literal translation for the humorless literalists, and then maybe they’ll “get” it and won’t feel the need to puzzle out, in comments, the difference between what’s funny and what isn’t.

  15. MO Says:

    It really makes it extra funny that the Russian readers can’t see the joke of this whole thing. I mean, it kinda shows the accuracy of the fake captions! I am guessing these must be older readers – the young couldn’t possibly be so joyless. Least I hope not

  16. John Says:

    Just a bit weird when the text ends with a question mark but the translation doesn’t!

  17. Learn Russian! Says:

    then you won’t need the translations.

  18. saladin Says:

    Learn a sense of humour, then you won’t need the Russian.

  19. Simon Says:

    laugh at monkey.dave! Very good 🙂

    To all those people that don’t get it, imagine if there was no Russian text on the pictures and just laugh at that.

    For any intellectuals that don’t get it then think of it like this: from a deconstructionist point of view the disparity between language is subjective and inter-related to cultural associated points. Therefore we can conclude that the question mark and the exclamation point are both lolcat and not lolcat – in fact lolcat and rolcat have a meta-cyclical (a lolcat becomes rolcat in another country) correlation that is only mediated via the language disparity.

    Hope that helps!

    I’m off to clean my rifle and shoot counter revolutionary dogs!

  20. Anna Says:

    >pokes fun at the propaganda that apparently was disseminated in the former USSR.

    Is that the site’s intention? I thought it was poking fun at the morons who still consider regurgitated parodies of Yakov Smirnov jokes haut cuisine of comedy…

  21. Niall Mor Says:

    Stalin Cat?

  22. ohdearlordyoupeople Says:

    It’s a joke guys, no one is actually taking this seriously? SERIALS?

    All it is doing is taking Russian LOLCats and ‘translating’ the captions in a way which perpetuates percieved stereotypes of pre-1989 Soviet states. And it is very funny. That is it! If anyone has seen Mock The Week, it is like when they dub over some footage of the queen or something with Hugh taking the piss that way.

    But anyway, keep up the good work 🙂

  23. Anna Says:

    @ ohdearlordyoupeople Gotta say though – 1989 is long, long in the past.

  24. Sergei Says:

    Cheer up Anna. The fields will rustle again with golden wheat so that in our native Soviet land bread will be in plenty. Go forward along the way illuminated by the great Stalin!

  25. DyingFaerie Says:

    I love the real translations.. thanks guys. It’s amazing how much different Russian lolcats are from American.

  26. Anna Says:

    @Sergei It’s funny, I’m trying to dredge up some actual Soviet sloganeering to translate for a reply, but nothing comes up anymore. It was all so freaking long ago. Damn I’m old.

  27. ohdearlordyoupeople Says:

    @Anna – “1989 is a long, long way in the past”

    People should turn up to history class then 😀 😉

  28. oldcat Says:

    I was born in 1989. I’m not that old…

  29. Anna Says:

    I was born in 1983, so I’ve at least seen the tail end of all this, before Gorby. Not that I recall any of it.

  30. Robert Synnott Says:

    I think I prefer the real translation, in this case. “Mewing is becoming harder by the year”.

  31. Anna Says:

    Robert Synnott: You must be working with an outdated dictionary. The picture actually says: “Teh horror of teh existence can has inscribed its litany of sorrows on mai face.”

  32. Simon Says:

    abundant cat nibbles is communism!

  33. RUSSIAxUSA Says:

    Back then times were really hairy.

  34. Max Says:

    Haha the English comments are funny coz they’re racist, I get it. The actual Russian pokes fun at rednecks though.
    “Oh what great happiness to live in a free country, time to check up on those chinamen building the railroad to the West coast… or maybe I’ll go hang some lazy n—– from the chain gang. But at least my country doesn’t have gulags.”

  35. alien Says:

    Damn, I must be inane.. I just laughed and laughed till there weren’t no more..

    Then I hit the end.. then I decided to hit the comments, and give props

    Genius, comrades!

  36. CCCPolice Says:

    @Max – You are so right. I mean the Russians were the pinnacle of non-discriminatory societies… except for those 20 million people they killed.

  37. Max Says:

    CCCPolice,

    I’m not saying the gulags were fair, I’m just saying arresting millions of blacks for being black in American history and making them work in jail chain gangs is not much fairer (what’s the current # of ppl in US jails and what is their dominant race?). The USA industrialized in the 19th century, mostly due to black and Asian immigrant labor. Russia had 20 years in between the two world wars to industrialize in order to defeat the Nazis (88% of Nazi deaths were on the Russian front). Of course the methods Stalin used were brutal, but the problems Russia faced – Nazi onslaught, industrializing Siberian permafrost in a country spanning 11 time zones (compare with 3 in the USA) were also MUCH harder.

    I don’t know where the number 20mil comes from, most files from that era talk about 2-3mil Gulag deaths. Btw, have you heard about the 2 nuclear bombs that USA dropped that killed all those innocent civillians around the same time? How about Japanese-American interment camps?

    Oh and you’re welcome for all those 88% of killed Nazis before the USA showed up to ‘win’ the war.

  38. Max Says:

    ps. Btw, I think the figure 20mil is the standard historical number of Russian deaths due to Nazi invasion.

  39. shearn89 Says:

    @Max
    I’m sure the russian soldiers killed a lot of nazis, but i’m pretty sure the weather had a _lot_ to do with it. Pretty frosty out there.

  40. shearn89 Says:

    “subscribe me”

  41. MaxSuxCox Says:

    @max: why are you randomly ranting about America? No-one even mentioned the US.

  42. MaxSuxCoxSuxCox Says:

    and who mentioned Russia?

  43. Max Says:

    >>I’m sure the russian soldiers killed a lot of nazis, but i’m pretty sure the weather had a _lot_ to do with it. Pretty frosty out there

    any more “Russia stereotypes”? I’m sure they also dropped vodka at the Nazis who then proceeded to drink themselves to death, as blaring Chaikovsky music tortured them …And in the end were eaten by bears as they were desperately trying to finish War and Peace before V-Day.
    Yea any German who goes to Russia will def freeze to death while Russian kids all have bear skin so they dont die.

    Read about Stalingrad, buddy, the last stop in the Nazi march to Caspian oil where battles were fought over over every city block. Read about Kursk, the biggest battle in world history, where 1.5mln Germans were fought to a tactical draw. the US at the time drove back ~25.000 germans in the invasion of Sicily, but did the Nazis need spaghetti as much as oil for their Tiger tanks?

    Leningrad was under siege for over a year with a million ppl starving to death (not b/c it’s so cold there). As US soldiers were advancing to Berlin they were given Stalingrad as an example by their officers and were told to “fight like the Russians”.

    America employed a clever strategy pitting Hitler against Stalin since Rosevelt didn’t trust either, but US weapons were supplied to the USSR to tip the scale in Soviet favor. The new superpowers redrew the map of Europe as Cold war started and each was claiming the corner on truth, which is why these battles I mentioned are not taught in US schools and no one in the USSR knew about D-Day or Iwo Jima (everyone knew about Hiroshima:))) Anyway this is all in the past and we can talk cats all we want now.

  44. MaxSuxNaziCox Says:

    “and who mentioned Russia?”

    er, it’s the subject of the whole blog…
    do you just sit in a quonset hut on the edge of the forest wasted on vodka, getting upset about lolcats all day?

  45. NoYouSuckDix Says:

    errr, well as a Russian speaker I’m telling you that the subject of the RUSSIAN comments on the pics themselves is America. For example the text next to the cat on the pic above says:
    “Ahh such beauty this island of Manhattan. This land used to belong to somebody, but we bought the whole island for $24, wiped the owners out and are now making millions off of real estate, kill scores in the Middle East and lecture the world about what is fair and democratic. But at least we’re not the evil Commies.”

    HAve a nice day 🙂

  46. NoYouSuckDix Says:

    and no, I sit in a ranch in Texas with my Bud light and my M-16 ready to shoot illegals, as I think of new ways to legalize slavery.

  47. Gah Says:

    I’m not familiar with Texas but stereotypes suggest they probably don’t drink bud light. Hope my stereotyping doesn’t make any sensitive little Texan men cry…
    Why are you so intent on making Russian speakers look like complete arseholes?

    PS: big lulz on the manhattan joke, Alaska might have been a more pertinent reference?

  48. Russian speaker Says:

    Alaska? coz it was bought from the Russians? Well Russian descendants are still there – ever wonder why Sara Palin’s last name sounds so much like ‘Lenin’, ‘Stalin’, ‘Putin’ – coz it’s Russian. No the manhattan reference was intentional – it really did get bought for $24 unlike Alaska.

    I intend to make Russian speakers sound like arseholes coz these comments here make Americans sound like arseholes. Just giving some “alternative arsehole perspective” here. We live in the age of “arsehole for an arsehole” after all.

    what do people drink in Texas?

  49. more gah Says:

    “coz these comments here make Americans sound like arseholes.”

    how do you know where people posting are from?
    ‘these people are stereotyping russians, they must all be american scum’. what’s the russian for irony?

  50. Ironia Sudby Says:

    You know, you got me there GaGa. But for some reason ppl who sign their name as ‘SuxCox’ don’t seem Chinese… ppl who read an English language blog that uses US Pacific time zone timestamps and reply to my posts from the East coast in real time MUST be sitting in a cave in Pakistan.

  51. more gah Says:

    well i’m sorry, fucko, you’re completely wrong.
    they have english in a lot of places these days, england for one.

  52. Ironia Sudby Says:

    yeah but who the fuck cares about your Russophobic island you call “Great”. It’s all been bought up by Russian and Arab oil men anyway.

  53. Gah Says:

    Fantastic, another brave campaigner against national stereotypes using xenophobia to argue their point.
    Also, the ‘great’ in great britain was put there to distinguish it from brittany.
    Also, I’m not British, so you too are wrong and an asshole.
    This is hilarious, let’s see how many more xenophobic babblings we can get out of the ‘rolcats are racist’ lobby before they guess someone’s nationality right.

  54. ArseHole Says:

    my point is: it doesn’t matter where you’re from – you think like a redneck. And the fact that most English colonies have descendents from the same racist morons only strengthens that point. And I knew you weren’t American, coz no one here says ‘Arse’

  55. Arschloch Says:

    Nah, that wasn’t your ‘point’. All you’re doing is flailing around trying to hit on a suitable xenophobic epithet to try to offend me. Not getting any closer, by the way. I’m not of British descent, either.
    Keep it up though, you’ve now written off a very significant proportion of the world population as racists, based on their nationality. Go for gold and throw in a couple more continents.

  56. the drazz Says:

    Silence your bickering comrades! What the old cat speaks is true. We must all do our part to ease the strain of our glorious mtoherland.

  57. Comrade Says:

    I don’t care where you are from personally. When I said: these COMMENTS and JOKES are xenophobic that was my point. And that didn’t imply that I myself or Russians as an ethnicity are squeeky clean, in fact we are a pretty dam racist bunch trust me I know that. Just pointing out the fact that whoever came up with these is not much better. It’s like calling all GERMANS – Nazis, all ARABS – terrorists, and all Black people – gangsters. Now do you see the correlation, my cosmopolitan comrade?

  58. Throbert McGee Says:

    For non-Russians studying the language, the most significant point in this caption is in the third line:

    “i MORDU borozdyat morshciny”
    (And the FACE is furrowed with wrinkles)

    “Morda” (морда) means essentially the same as “litso” (лицо), namely “face,” but the latter word is used only when speaking of humans, and the former only in reference to non-human animals, like “snout” or “muzzle.” (If you use “morda” for a human’s face, it’s like “ugly mug” in English.)

    Similarly, in English, both animals and humans can “die” and become “dead,” but in Russian a room-temperature dog is дожлый (verb: дохнуть) while a room-temperature human is мёртвый (verb: умирать) — and confusing the two sounds either disgusting or ignorant.

    Then of course there’s the excellent term-of-abuse мудак (“mudák,” pronounced like “moo-DOCK”). It more or less translates “asshole” or “dickhead,” and thus could be applied liberally to someone like Harold. But to be more specific, “mudak” comes from a word that means “the male genitalia of a non-human animal.” So it’s roughly like calling someone a “dog-scrotum” as an insult.

    There are a number of other examples where Russian tends to make a stricter distinction between humans and other animals than we typically do in English, but these are the first few that came to my mind.

  59. GaGa Says:

    @comrade

    the correlation is that everyone enjoys stereotyping, including you – so stop moaning, you tedious cunt.

  60. Tedious Cunt Says:

    the only remaining correlation that I fail to see is between a “tedious cunt” and a “arsehole”, you fat fuck.

  61. GaGa Says:

    the correlation is that you are both, you tedious cunting arsehole.

  62. tedious cunting arsehole Says:

    Well here’s some Russian folk wisdom on the subject for you, pathetic shit, that comes from before the age of LOLcats.

    Опа, опа, срослась пизда и жопа!
    Этого не может быть – промежуток должен быть!

    Go do some research.

  63. western swine Says:

    does it say ‘do not feed the trolls’? good advice.

  64. Max Says:

    This is an example of a “chestushki”, short poems that usually contain profanity. This particular one goes something like

    “Oops, oops, a c*nt and an a%%hole have grown together!
    That simply cannot be – separation there must be!”

    Probably true of Western and Eastern idiots too, as I’m sure we’ve proven there’s plenty in both societies.

  65. Ryan Says:

    None of the “linguists” so incensed and posting here get the reason for the Russian text. Translation clearly isn’t the point. The translation *points*, and what it points to is 1) the fact that an orientalist version of Russian humor is what’s funny here, and 2) the direction of HOW we’re supposed to take these jokes and what tone they take (see #1), NOT what is actually being said.

  66. Throbert McGee Says:

    Max: Hmmm, does Russian have a word equivalent to the American slang “taint”? That is, the region that “separates” the genitals from the anus — so called because “iT AIN’T the pussy/balls and iT AIN’T the asshole.” (Note that it’s a unisex term.)

    Anyway, here’s my suggested translation for the chestushki above:

    Alas, alas, her cunt’s fused with her ass!
    There should be space betwixt — one hopes she’ll get it fixed.

  67. Throbert McGee Says:

    @Max: “I don’t know where the number 20mil comes from, most files from that era talk about 2-3mil Gulag deaths.”

    The “20 million Soviets killed by their own government” claim presumably includes those who died in the Ukrainian famines under Stalin. (I’m not asserting that 20 million is an accurate number; I’m just saying that it reflects the deaths by famine in addition to those who died in the Gulags.)

  68. Throbert McGee Says:

    Following up to my previous comment: the figure “as many as 10 million” is pretty widely circulated in the West as the estimated number of Ukrainians who died in Stalin’s deliberately planned famine of 1932-33.

    Of course, this number is problematic because — as with all genocide claims — the politics involved are so bitter and passionate.

  69. Ryan Says:

    This is about KITTENS, not genocide. Go somewhere else with your numbers. Blek.

  70. Max Says:

    Robert,

    Of course Russia’s official answer to Ukrainian claims of genocide is their own famine at the same time all throughout the Volga region up to western Siberia, which basically says “we couldn’t have taken it from Ukraine because we were starving ourselves”… Like you said, there is so much politicking around the issue that real truth is the first casualty.

    Btw, one common misperception in the West is that Stalin was a RUSSIAN dictator, while he was actually ethnic GEORGIAN who russified his name, so Russians naturally get the blame for “all those people Stalin ordered killed”.

    Props on the translation lol Exciting to find a Westerner who knows the “Опа, опа, Америка – Европа” genre lol Do you study Russian?
    Are you familiar with Barkov, a 18th century writer who wrote profane poetry that grew into modern common jokes, the Anekdoty?

  71. Max Says:

    and no, I don’t know how one would say “taint” in Russian, sorry lolol

  72. Kit Says:

    Ha ha ha……WHOOOOOOOOOOSH

  73. wiener Says:

    Historians nowadays pretty much agree that the Golodomer (~death from hunder) was not deliberately planned.

    Great translations btw

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